nothing’s changed and nothing ever will

You know, I felt happy seeing you even though I knew it was kinda dangerous. You always come at night I’ve noticed and you try your best to look extra sober. Tonight, I wish I could believe you, I wish you were being real this time and at least, something, even a tiny bit, changed. I was wrong and I know now that I shouldn’t hope anymore for it.

You gave me that look you always do when you know I’ve given up and only that could make me melt, change my mind and lose more of my breath. You never cut to the chase. You linger around to check if the waters are good to step in and I blame myself for giving you something to go on with but I just couldn’t go in and leave you out like that. You even cried and begged like you always do before a storm. You’re still with her, yet you come to use me.

Maybe I’ll never have the heart to look over you but I’ll never give my heart out like that again. You say you want me but you don’t want me, you just want to fulfill your desires. It’s nothing about me. You’ll come meet me, you’ll tell me you miss me, you’ll want to make a promise a millionth time, hoping I come back but it’s all just games. You’ll never mean it. You don’t even know what love is.

I broke the no contact but I’m glad I spent an hour plus figuring out that I keep hope for nothing. I can still start over from here. I cried today. I don’t know why I keep crying for something that hurts me, for something that is not real. So stupid!

Count: R1D8

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