I have had trouble with sleep due to my disorder. I didn’t quite have the normal person’s sleep routine (made my parents mad a lot of times). I tried everything to make it, well, normal but it still isn’t although I know how to regulate it when the absolute need calls for it.
One thing that happens is this:
I stay awake, bedtime and everyone’s asleep, I don’t feel sleepy, I press my phone and watch TV or walk to keep busy, and I wake up later in the morning wondering how I slept.
And trust me, it’s not my phone or TV or anything else keeping me awake like my parents say. I’ve spent a lot of nights staring at my ceiling in the dark counting numbers and voicing crazy stuff.
So I hardly have dreams like that except on some occasions (okay story’s getting weird now lol. I’ll get to the point now). When I was almost at the end of primary school, I found out something to control my dreams to be what I wanted or just have dreams. I don’t know if this is a thing. I would close my eyes and make up a storyline and would keep at it till I feel asleep. Worked most of the times.
When we first met, you were so sweet and it was a really good time talking to you. I don’t know why but I thought you were super and I loved you. I dreamt about you every single day even during naps and it was amazing. Till it became a reminder of what wouldn’t be. I would wake up excited and thrilled with hope only to be dashed into the wall before the day ended. There were days when I wished it would be okay and it was okay till you’d forget that I existed and abandoned me for days. My dreams became my exit. I’d stay there and never wanted to wake up from it. My dreams weren’t bad. They were really sweet but they’d hurt me more than my worst nightmares. And then one faithful month, I had days of excruciating nightmares. In them, she was there and you weren’t mine and I would watch while struggling to wake up. It was torture. Those days, I would stay awake for hours not to fall asleep. It was terrible. I felt terrible. It still happens sometimes.
I know this is a loser story and you probably won’t ever read this but I still dream of you and I really can’t control when it happens. I know it’s stupid but some days, I wish it’d come true. And the dreams aren’t nightmares, I really love them, but the reality of them ever happening is.