what ifs and what nots

Today makes it ten days of no contact and I feel okay. I am not sad. I’m not happy. I don’t feel any emotion at all. In between these ten days, there were days I felt I could go through with it and days I just wanted to get it over with. It’s been hard. It’s been lonely. It’s been everything and anything in disorder. But I’m glad I have held on strong. I have not backed down. I understand my emotions and my heart but I’ve learned to start respecting and protecting myself (no, I’m not in imminent danger or any of those sorts).

One thing that has held me back are questions. It’s the realization of, “Now what?” ( I’m weird, so I answer myself back with, “Exactly!”) These questions quickly keep me in check and make me see how much work needs to done. Usually goes like this:

What is going to happen now?

What is the certainty that anything would change?

If things do change, would you still be able to look him in the eyes like you used to before it all happened? Would it be better?

Would being friends or starting over be a wise decision for us?

What is the point of staying in each other’s life? Would we be able to stay normal without falling back into each other?

Questions like these makes me realize the seriousness of it for me and for him too (I know it’s just dating and all, but I’m not really one to be in relationships much and so I take it very serious).

I know love is worth everything and we should follow our hearts and all, but right now, I’m going to use my head so I don’t make the same mistakes again, I can sleep with both eyes closed and I don’t have to start all over again.

P.S: I know that you’re hurting dear heart and I’m not blaming you for being who you are but from now on, we’re gonna put up new boundaries, repair the ones we brought down, respect ourselves and teach others to respect us without being another person. This is my ardent desire because most times, I want to be another person so that this doesn’t happen to me again and that scares me.

Count: R1D6

4 thoughts on “what ifs and what nots

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