moving forward is taking long

I didn’t know how much I missed Dr Peterson till I went on twitter today. In case you didn’t know, Jordan Peterson is amazing and my hero (although I think he’d be quite disappointed).

For a while I’ve been obsessed with YouTube. Watching videos and lectures explaining narcissism helps me to recognise the abuse I went through, patterns, nuances and what to do. I’ve gone no contact even though it kills me (kills me more that we share friends and I can’t control how we meet or don’t meet like I want). I really want to pick up my life from where I left it but it feels like it’s so long gone and I can’t get it back.

It went on for 9 months and along the way, I made really terrible, not well thought plans. I slacked at what I was supposed to be doing and literally gave the relationship my full time (which I realise was just plain stupidity on my part being the other woman and all. I was actually hopeful with crossed fingers, waiting for the main role I was promised while saving him from the horror he was supposedly in. Turns out there’s a thing for this. Things you learn from the internet lol ).

The videos have been so good and insightful in understanding my emotions, why I did what I did, why I stayed on and all but it’s not helping me be productive or know what I want to be doing again. Like I don’t know where to start from. I suppose going back to therapy would be a great start but right now, I can’t afford it sadly. I would keep busy by going to school but I quit school in the middle of the mess prior and in the relationship (WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS WRONG WITH ME?!)

I am so ready to get some stability into my life.

Before all this, I was going to therapy for my disorder. It was so hard and one of my trying moments. It was getting a little positive aside the side effects of the meds and I was getting by till I fell and these long months happened (I realise I am to blame too in this and I take my fair share of responsibility for allowing this situation to happen. It happened so fast and most of the time, I did what I did for love but these has been the most pain I have ever felt).

For now, I just need a need a plan to get by for a year, heal these wounds (might take longer though) and work on things that really need to be fixed.

I don’t what what I’m doing or how it will turn out in months but

What I do know now is

  • This was the most irresponsible I have ever been.
  • I still don’t know how it all happened and more importantly why it took that turn.
  • I am going to take responsibility for it and make sure I turn out okay and better.

Hope it gets better from here on out.

PS: I’m glad you’re doing much better now Jordan. Really glad!

P.P.S: I understand how complicated and well, evil, narcissism is but I really do want to help him with it. I still get angry at times and I fully get that he was aware of the pain and all the stuff but I still love him and really hope he gets over this (even though so many say that it’s slim).

Count: R1D5

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