Maybe the problem is originally mine. Maybe the reason my life is like this is not because of my disorder but just me. Days like this, I struggle to control my mind. I struggle to look away from relief. Yet I can’t because I don’t want to hurt anybody.
I go insane slowly. I don’t have anyone to talk to and now, I don’t think I want to open up again. My mind swells with pain, I drown in it and hide inside. They don’t understand. I don’t even understand. I just want it to go away.
I remember he’d tell me indirectly that I was the problem when he’d hurt me. He felt it strongly cause he would not apologize and then he’d reappear again from the deep like nothing ever happened. Maybe I deserved it all. Maybe this is how it was meant to be.