Running Away From Myself

Foot of a woman wearing white gown running

These days, I find it so hard to sit still. And my mind makes it even harder. It starts at one and ends up at a million and one thoughts. It’s being going on like this for years; I don’t think it takes a rest when I fall asleep.

I have tried to stop thinking but that only leads to more thoughts, which I get lost deep in. My mom has asked me often why I look awfully lost at times. I don’t know how to explain it to her. I try to keep it short and tell her just a little bit. And then I go back and wonder why myself.

These days, it’s worse. And it’s you. No matter how hard I try, I can’t get you out. It hurts more because I think of what used to be but I realize that it was not real. Everything I gave my heart for was not real. What I thought we had was just what I thought not what it was. But even knowing this does not make me want to forget.

Everyday I try to salvage pieces and memories to prove that it was real and it did happen. It was under dark shadows but it did happened. You put me in the dark but you did love me. The realization that you didn’t really love me hurts me most. And that’s why I run. I run so that I don’t have to admit what I know. My mind goes it’s own way and I try to distract it. I sit. I stand. I walk around. I sing. I put the music on repeat. I go on the internet. I watch videos. And I do it all till I’m so weak and wake up the next morning, not knowing how I slept.

I will come to it eventually. But for now, I’ll keep running cause if I stop, I have to acknowledge it did happen. Then I’ll have to confront myself on why I let it happen and dig and dig and dig down inside myself. I’m afraid to do that. For once in my life, I’m afraid of knowing the truth.

Count: R1D2

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